Totally Choice

Hollywood police say a man wielding a hammer lost a fight to a man with a letter opener.

What a pussy (guy with hammer). Guaranteed, John Henry wins that fight.

…even if Herbert Kornfeld is the man armed with the letter opener.

A recent media revelation has revealed what most citizens (going to heaven) have long suspected, that Sarah Palin’s stance on energy policy, building a $30 billion dollar gas pipline in Alaska, is a pre-ordained plan of God’s. Clearly, this project is crucial to “unifying people and companies… so pray for that.”

As if it weren’t already obvious, the Huffington Post also had to point out to it’s stupified base, what Sarah Palin has been announcing all along, that there is a plan for the Iraq War, and that plan is God’s plan.

But here is where confusion sets in. Bear with me liberals, this could be a particularly rocky read for you. The John McCain camp has made it clear that they are not in favor of a windfall profits tax on oil companies; however, Gov. Sarah Palin recently supported a tax increase on big oil, providing an extra 6 billion dollars to the superfluous Alaskan budget. So which position is part of God’s plan? Did one of these candidates forget to read their daily Republican talking points? It’s quite simple, really. They are both right! And if you don’t understand that, this is part of God’s plan as well. And if that too is confusing, pray for wisdom, so that you may finally put your country first, and not let sin stand in the way of progress.

One thing we can all agree on (god said so), is that Sarah Palin looks smokin hot on this motorcycle.

Barack Obama is BLACK!

What an exciting time to be an American! Barack Obama figures to be the 3rd African American president, and the first since Martin Luther King Jr. was elected in the mid 1960’s. Though Barack’s accomplishments are minimal at best in comparison to his predecessors, his possible appointment by the American people is not of lesser importance.

Granted, Senator Obama never invented the peanut, fought in the Revolutionary War, or served as our country’s first president like George Washington Carver. Also, he never founded the Lutheran church, led boycotts in the name of civil rights, or became a medical doctor like our 2nd African American president Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. He has however been described as a black candidate for president. And, until the word “black” is no longer used to describe a black man, race will always be a hurdle of ignorance in the race of life. To overcome it is important.

“God Bless the USA.”

After “copping a feel” of Senator Clinton’s left breast, Barack Obama was admittedly impressed by the, “Firmness of her juggz.”

He continued to discuss his opponent’s “Bahama Mama’s” during a recent campaign speech where he granted her bosom the rating of 1 thumb up out of 2.

Hillary Clinton has yet to issue a comment regarding the recent groping. However, insiders have suggested, Hillary is somewhat disappointed with her near perfect score.

Bill continues to support his wife and states, “Hillary’s honkers are definitely worthy of a 2 thumbs up rating, or as I like to call it, The Fonz”

With no recent end in sight to this grueling campaign, one has to wonder if these 2 political rivals will ever again, romantically, see eye to eye.

I’m not too sure if I should be posting, what with the writers strike. By posting these 2 sentences, did I just Ellen Degeneres across the picket lines?

GOOD NEWS! Now when you mimic a gay police officer, you could be saving the planet!

You’ve done it at weddings, athletic competitions, and bad concerts. If you’re a complete dumbass, you’ve probably even done it alone in your room. What is it? It’s the YMCA dance, and it’s becoming a common occurrence at “Green” events across the nation.

Al Gore has announced that the YMCA dance could possibly reverse the effect of harmful emissions released into the environment. Though his theory is not backed by any concrete factual evidence, Al is quick to point out, “Neither is man-made climate change.”

So, go ahead. Buy that gas guzzling SUV. Spray aerosol cans until your fingers fall off. Just make sure you party like it’s 1979. Our future depends on it.